Movie Maven

The US Color-Coded security thingamajig will turn a violent shade of red this September with the national debut of Girl Authority on the CBS Early Show.

For those who do not know the newest terror threat to the nation here's a quick run-down, according to the people on the internets:

-They are a Manson-like cult of nine sprightly blondes, ranging in ages from 10-15 years.

-They were formed in the ravaged backwoods Sudbury, MA by Executive Producer/Cult Leader Samantha Hammel (also known as Islam Hussein-Moon Star). The band began when Hammel/Moon Star used contemporary brainwashing techniques on one of the terrorists' fathers- who in turn conditioned the other eight comely street urchins to join the crowd.

-To become this elite squad of terrorist assassins, they had to give up all of their possessions and pretend they were members of the Brady Bunch. They also had to relinquish their given names and take on meaningless titles designed to destroy their sense of individuality (examples include Country Girl, Fashion Girl and Boho Girl).

-They are currently traveling the country, doing lame renditions of classic rock and spreading their message of hate and world domination.

While President Bush has so far retained a diplomatic silence on Girl Authority and its growing number of followers, we here at Movie Maven will not stand idly by and watch our sacred 'tweens fall under the thrall of the blue-eyed army and its propaganda machine. Please, parents, teach your thin, musically-inclined daughters the difference between true Depeche Mode and the hideous, soulless version produced by The Authority. Keep your eyes and ears peeled for the signs of brainwashing, including references to the "Authority Sorority" and screeching banshee-music emanating from your daughters' bedroom.

There is one positive outcome of the rise of The Authority. Agents at Guantanamo Bay have reported that incidents of water-boarding have vastly decreased since the introduction of Girl Authority music to the interrogation procedure, due to increased productivity.