Movie Maven

There's nothing more cringe-inducing than watching a group of talented animators beat on a dead horse.

Shrek 3, aside from one hilarious scene at a medieval high school (Worcestershire High) is pretty much just that. Lots of adult-themed jokes, lots of sweet-natured lessons about loving thyself, blah blah blah. This was wonderful and revolutionary... the first time. Since the dawning of the Age of Shrek, we have seen nothing but computer-animated pictures with adult-themed jokes and sweet-natured moral tales. The ani-clusterfuck had begun to grate on me about three penguin movies ago, and like Paris Hilton, there's no end in sight. So, Shrek, you also look like I need a drink. Before you were adorable and life-affirming. Now I don't even want to rent you on DVD.

This is the statement that occurred to me last week, when I turned on CNN to see this:

"You look like I need a drink" is an Against Me! song, and the phrase has always tickled me. And when I saw Paris Hilton, paraded in all her entitled, stupid glory through the streets back to prison, as she wailed and gnashed her teeth and rent her garments, I couldn't help but think, "Man, Paris, you look like I need a drink."

The moment Paris was released from prison for being too whiny, my detached annoyance at her presence was morphed into a profound, fiery hatred that turn my eyes red and caused an unholy wind that blew down anyone in my presence. She was the result, nay the symbol, of the easy corruption and favoritism practiced in our justice system. As Mother Maven said so astutely, "If her name was LaQwanda and she lived in South Central LA, we wouldn't even be having this conversation right now."

But, unfortunately her name is Paris and she most definitely does not live in South Central LA. But in the end, apparently the judge had the same facing-God's-wrath reaction I did, because he cheerfully sent her back. There were tears of joy, and dancing in the streets at her less-than-dignified departure, and all manner of schadenfreude marked the weekend admirably. But after my vengeful wrath had been sated by Baby Paris' tears, a dawning crept over me. Oh dear God. We will never be rid of her.

Because then there will be the prison exposes and the appeals, and the release, and the aftermath, and the Diane Sawyer interview, and it will never end.

And that is why I need a drink. Not just for poor Baby Paris, who's facing 23 days of uncomfortable mattresses and the prospect of being someone's Veronica to their Betty. But for all of us, condemned to look at her stupid lazy-eye until she inevitably drops dead from a cocaine overdose in P.Diddy's bathroom.

The US Color-Coded security thingamajig will turn a violent shade of red this September with the national debut of Girl Authority on the CBS Early Show.

For those who do not know the newest terror threat to the nation here's a quick run-down, according to the people on the internets:

-They are a Manson-like cult of nine sprightly blondes, ranging in ages from 10-15 years.

-They were formed in the ravaged backwoods Sudbury, MA by Executive Producer/Cult Leader Samantha Hammel (also known as Islam Hussein-Moon Star). The band began when Hammel/Moon Star used contemporary brainwashing techniques on one of the terrorists' fathers- who in turn conditioned the other eight comely street urchins to join the crowd.

-To become this elite squad of terrorist assassins, they had to give up all of their possessions and pretend they were members of the Brady Bunch. They also had to relinquish their given names and take on meaningless titles designed to destroy their sense of individuality (examples include Country Girl, Fashion Girl and Boho Girl).

-They are currently traveling the country, doing lame renditions of classic rock and spreading their message of hate and world domination.

While President Bush has so far retained a diplomatic silence on Girl Authority and its growing number of followers, we here at Movie Maven will not stand idly by and watch our sacred 'tweens fall under the thrall of the blue-eyed army and its propaganda machine. Please, parents, teach your thin, musically-inclined daughters the difference between true Depeche Mode and the hideous, soulless version produced by The Authority. Keep your eyes and ears peeled for the signs of brainwashing, including references to the "Authority Sorority" and screeching banshee-music emanating from your daughters' bedroom.

There is one positive outcome of the rise of The Authority. Agents at Guantanamo Bay have reported that incidents of water-boarding have vastly decreased since the introduction of Girl Authority music to the interrogation procedure, due to increased productivity.

For Steve Gilliard, one of the dynamos of the blogging scene and a fearless journalist. We in Blogland will dearly miss him.