Movie Maven

'Lo all! Welcome to the 1st Annual Movie Maven Oscar Coverage- in real time!!

We've started the all-important Oscar countdown- the most important aspect of the awards, I believe, because who cares about Brokeback Mountain when there are swan-dresses to mock?!!
One of the anchors appears to be wearing some sort of stripper get-up with a sequined mid-section. Someone needs to be fired.

Matt Dillon. There's something about him that bothers me, but there's no doubt he's good with sleazy roles. It's that furrowed cave-man brow. It's good for sleazy.

I am truly, truly tired of entertainment journalists yelling at me. What did I ever do to them?

Dresses appear rather low-key this year. There's a rather refreshing lack of skin. It's a shame, but I'm not terribly good with the style commentary (check out my cohorts' blogs Fashionistas First and Style in the City for far better commentary than I could provide.) Oh goodness the countdown's over! Time flies when you're having fun, I suppose.

Truly surreal Oscar intro... Oscar himself overtowering the rest of the buildings... maybe paying homage to King Kong?

Oh God, Jon, please don't bomb.

This is taking too long- oh wait, Jon's in bed with George Clooney. Suddenly my interest has been renewed.

"I'm sorry to say Bjork will not be here today- she was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her." There you go Jon, keep 'em coming...

Best Supporting Actor roles are up first... Nicole Kidman and her glorious Aussie self presenting... it's George Clooney!! So Matt Dillon and his forehead were defeated after all. Hooray!

Am I hallucinating, or is Ben Stiller in a green suit? Oh, he's doing the visual effects awards. That makes a little more sense... just a little.

Look at Nick Park's tie! And he has some for the Oscars too.

Has anyone noticed that Dolly Parton looks like a ventriloquists' dummy? Seriously- just look at her.

Oh dear god, they have two animated creatures presenting animated shorts. It's like I'm watching the Oscars while on hash. Between them and Reese Witherspoon there's too much cuteness going on in this show.

It's occurred to me how few movies I've actually seen. My friends think I've viewed every film under the sun, but there's still so much to see. Every time they name a film I think to myself, Oh yeah, I wanted to see that! But unfortunately food wins out over movies (by a small margin, but still.)

My friends appear to be not too keen on Russell Crowe, who's presenting. I don't care what anyone says- I love that he hit someone with a phone.

Oh Amy Adams. I know she won't win, but I want her to so badly. Her desperate friendliness in Junebug was so wonderful. But she won't win.

She didn't win. But it's ok, I'm quite fond of Rachel Weisz as well.

I stepped away from the TV for just a moment, and suddenly I have no idea what's going on. Another classical movie montage? The montage ode to King Kong and other monkey films was about as much as I could take.

I'm actually pretty pleased with Stewart's hosting. Here's a good quip, after yet another montage of social issue films like Guess Who's Coming to Dinner and The Grapes of Wrath: "None of those issues was ever a problem again."

A funny looking man claims to be the President of the Academy... Who exactly is the Academy anyway? Are they like the Freemasons or something?

Ohhhh... Technical awards... I'll see you in a bit folks. As much respect as I have for these workers of the cinema, and their capabilities, I can't watch sound editors, and mixers for the next hour.

We're back! And Clooney is doing the memoriam for those who have died. Solemn moment ensues... Oh wait we applaud their deaths, all right then.

STOP THE PRESSES!!! PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN HAS WON!!!

Let's just stop and reflect a minute on the sheer fabulousness of Philip and the enduring wisdom of the Academy. Solemn moment. Ok.

I suppose I should see Hustle and Flow. So how hard is it really out here for a pimp? Inquiring minds want to know.

Argh! The blasted penguins took Best Documentary. I knew they would, but I had wild fantasies where hordes of Werner Herzog fans take over and steal the Oscar of Grizzly Man's behalf. But no. Apparently adorable flightless birds trump murderous bears and the men who love them. Go figure.

And Witherspoon. I should be accurate and say I still haven't seen Walk the Line, so I shouldn't talk. Perhaps she brings June Carter's persona to grand new heights. But I've said it before and I'll say it again- that girl is too cute for her own good. Plus I don't think I can ever forgive her for marrying Ryan Phillipe.

Wow- they're already at Best Picture? I'm impressed Academy- just under four hours. They must have had Halle Berry gagged backstage.

And it's...... CRASH?!! Oh, I suppose I'm not that surprised- the Academy's big on guilt this year. But I'd hoped for Capote or Good Night, and Good Luck, sappy journalism nerd that I am.

Well there you are, folks! I'll write again tomorrow for a more, um, coherent run-down of the Oscars, (and perhaps rant a bit more on the great injustice done to Herzog.) Until then my Hollywood darlings, get some sleep, and rise bright-eyed and bushy tailed for endless post-coverage. Nighty-night!