Movie Maven

Movie Maven is exhausted.

Between the fucked-up crazy blonde-athon that's really starting to disgust me, the start of the Yuletide FAFSA and tax time, college midterms and Michelle Malkin's comedy, I am in desperate need of a vacation. Preferably somewhere without a computer, or TV or.... people. But no matter. I have blogs to write.

In honor of it being Oscar weekend here at Movie Maven, I have decided to, *sigh* make my predictions for the Academy Awards. The only problem is.... I haven't seen a lot of these films. Yes, I know, I need to be more on the ball, but come on. Does anyone really want to see The Queen? Like, pay ten dollars for it and everything? I know I will eventually, but apparently I'm content right now spending my hard-earned cash on Catch and Release, God help me.

So instead of making my predictions of who will win the Oscars this year, I'm going to make a list of the films I have seen at least 10 minutes of, which shouldn't win anything. I mean, EVER. The worst, flattest, most boring, mind-numbing, disgusting and nauseating films and performances of the year. You'll notice that many of the actors and actresses seen here are actually very good performers. they're just misguided. Don't be too hard on them.

So, my darlings, let me present you with the first annual Dubious Honor Awards- the DOOBIES!!

I'm sorry, the joke was right there.

Best Supporting Actor:
Woody Allen: Scoop
Why can't he just DIE already?! Return to form, my ass.

Jeff Bridges: Stick It
Oh, Jeff, Jeff, Jeff. I am so sorry.

Timothy Olyphant: Catch and Release
Apparently after Deadwood got canceled, he lost his mind and decided to stalk Jennifer Garner.

Eugene Levy: American Pie 5: The Naked Mile
I don't know what Eugene Levy did in a past life to deserve these films, but the cosmic universe of karma is a cruel mistress.

Best Supporting Actress:
Jennifer Coolidge: For Your Consideration
I had to sneak For Your Consideration in somewhere, it was just too awful. Jennifer Coolidge just plucked the short straw.

Jacinda Barret: The Last Kiss
I had no idea that a woman screaming at her cheating man could be so boring.

Vanessa Lengies: Stick It
She made me want to pirouette to the door... and bang my head against it repeatedly.

Angelica Huston: Material Girls
Oh Angelica, Angelica, Angelica. I am so sorry.

Best Lead Actor:
Channing Tatum (aka The Chan-Man): Step Up
There aren't a lot of brains in that pretty little head of his. I'd still sleep with him, though.

Martin Lawrence: Big Momma's House 2
Stop it, Martin. Just, stop it. I mean it Martin. Knock it off, it's not funny! Mom, Martin Lawrence won't stop dressing up like fat black woman and he's bothering me!

Adam Campbell: Date Movie
I don't really remember which one Adam Campbell is. I just saw Date Movie on TV last night and hurled into my mozzarella sticks.

James Franco: Annapolis
Or Tristan +Isolde, it doesn't really matter which.

Best Lead Actress:
Allyson Hannigan: Date Movie
She was the fat one that got "pimped"- you know, like Pimp My Ride? There was a midget there. I have nothing else to say.

Scarlett Johannson: Scoop
She tried to do Woody Allen neurotic and just came off looking disarmingly slutty.

Sara Paxton: Aquamarine
I know, it's a kid's movie, I should lighten up. Then again, her blonde hair and perkiness almost blinded me. It was like looking at the sun for two hours with the Teletubbies going on in the background.

Hilary Duff: Material Girls
That brainwashing teenybopper got Angelica Huston to participate in this film. Show her no mercy.

Worst Film of the Year:
Date Movie
ugh
Step-Up
double ugh
Stick It
ughity-ugh ugh ugh
American Pie 5: The Naked Mile
Straight to video. No "ughs" can describe it.